We don’t know the date or time or how, but from a mathematical perspective, the probability is 1, or a sure thing that we will all eventually “die” or leave this world. Like many people, I have this list of things that I would like to do “before I die.” The list changes, sometimes growing and sometimes shrinking.
In the past, I’ve included things like going to Iceland, performing at the Grand Ole Opry and jumping over a picnic table and successfully landing on my skateboard one more time. Maybe I’ll get to go to Iceland, maybe I’ll even get the opportunity to tell a story at the Grand Ole Opry, but I’m kind of getting over the need to jump over a picnic table again, because the probability of success is not as good as it used to be and I have an aggregate driveway. You know, the kind with little rocks in it…
It’s not a good place to ride a skateboard or to fall…
People are always asking me what I do. I can say that I’m kind of a rocket scientist, a mathematician who teaches college courses, a storyteller and a writer of sorts. I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I’ve decided I might want to try being a ghost. No, this is not a Halloween thing, it’s not even that time of year. I just think it would be kind of nifty to say, “I’m a ghost,” or “I’m kind of a ghost.”
The fellow who lives next door to me is a tugboat pilot or captain, whatever the correct term is. The fellow on the other side of me is a helicopter pilot. This is tough competition, so I thought adding “Ghost” to my resume might be impressive.
How does one go about being a ghost?
I looked it up on the internet. Just an FYI, don’t look up things like this on the internet. Why?
Well, you get a lot of stupid answers on exactly how one goes about being a ghost. For instance, one fellow said you need to mix celery with carrot juice and ketchup and eat it and then do the “hokey pokey.” Another person noted that the best way to assure that you come back as a ghost was to “really not want to die.”
Who wants to die? Most folks do not, thus there would be way too many ghosts and the need for ghosts would go down and the novelty of being able to say you are (a ghost) would kind of go away.
Other advice on becoming a ghost included “to die in “severe agony,” leave with a lot of important things to do,” and “be a very unhappy person.” The need to die in severe agony made me think about jumping off a moving skateboard, over a picnic table and face first into my aggregate driveway.
Understanding this was all just nonsense, I decided to go ahead and start working on my resume and just apply to be a ghost. The trouble, or actually you could view it as a benefit to preparing your credentials to apply for a position as a ghost is that no real person has any real experience with being a real ghost. Yes, I just said that and it makes perfectly good sense to me.
Therefore, yesterday I submitted my empty resume to be a very part-time ghost in the area of our town where they have ghost tours and such. I don’t have any idea of the type of ghost they need, but if they need a fellow a couple of nights a week who looks a little lost and confused, with a strong Southern accent to be a ghost – I’m their man!
At least my tugboat and helicopter neighbors could say, “I live next door to a ghost.” To be honest, I don’t even like ghost stories, but the thought of being able to say that I was a ghost before I died is very appealing to me.
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Cranks My Tractor
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I'm BN Heard and I like semicolons, dogs and telling stories late at night...
Come see me in Vienna, Virginia at Jammin Java on Saturday, May 28th when I take on 9 of the other best storytellers around in Better Said Than Done's 5th Year Anniversary Show and Contest.
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