In About One Minute

The hardware store is an oasis for me; I like being there and I enjoy the folks who work there. They have popcorn on the weekends and sometimes they have coffee. It’s not the same as it was growing up, but it’s about the best I can do.

Standing in line with a can of wood filler, some stuff that dries out rotting wood and a sanding block, I was in a daze. I was not studying the display case with all the pocket knives and I was not smelling soap or shaking pickle jars. I do these things often. The girl at the checkout always assures me that I can make the “handmade” soap myself.

Also, I know my pickles are way better than the “homemade” pickles they are pushing at the hardware store. This is an assumption of course, because I’ve never bought the “impulse pickles” at the hardware store. What else can you call them other than “impulse pickles?”

They are at the checkout, they want you to think you need them.

These impulse items are ok, I like seeing the soap, pickles and pocket knives... Every hardware store should have a display case of pocket knives. I’m not complaining at all…

No one was in front of me and no one was behind me; most of the cashiers know me and my desire to piddle.

Then this cardboard box of little plastic bottles with trees on them caught my attention. There were plastic bottles with red trees and plastic bottles with yellow trees on them. Other than the color of the trees and what these concoctions cured, they were the same; I think they both had basically the same secret ingredients in them.

The bottles with red trees noted “Gets rid of acid reflux in about one minute,” the bottles with yellow trees noted, “Stops leg and foot cramps in about one minute.” The secret ingredients of both of these were apple cider vinegar, ginger and garlic juice.

I am a believer in the medicinal powers of apple cider vinegar; I just am. I’ve been suffering from some cramping type feelings in my legs, so I bought a bottle with the yellow tree on it and waited anxiously for a cramp to creep into my leg.

Yes, I felt a little foolish, but you never know. The bottle said, “Blended in just the right proportions.”

I got home and was thinking about filling some holes on my deck with the wood filler; I changed my mind. I decided to research this miracle stuff I had purchased on a whim. I quickly found some folks on the internet who were willing to give their opinions.

This one fellow named Mitchell said, “I took one tablespoon and immediately felt I did permanent damage to my throat and esophagus.” Another lady said, “I don't know if this works as advertised or not. I took a dose of it when experiencing nighttime cramps and within 5 minutes my stomach started to churn and I vomited severely. The taste of this is so disgusting I can't even describe it.”

They didn’t scare me, I’ve had apple cider vinegar straight before. There were a lot of other folks who swore this stuff worked. This was a secret Amish formula and I’ve never seen an Amish fellow with cramps. I don’t think I’ve actually seen an Amish fellow, but Mama sent me a postcard from Pennsylvania once.

I still waited anxiously for my legs to cramp…

While waiting, I read the instructions, which I found to be very comforting. The instructions were to “take one capful in 2 ounces of water or fruit juice.” However, here’s the good part, “Or, Splash or spray remedy on cramping area and rub in.”

Outstanding… I can mix it or just splash it on… I decided I would do neither… I chose option number 3 in the instructions, “Product may also be drunk direct from bottle.”

Just about every night, a leg cramp will hit me… I was ready…

The cramp hit me, I opened the bottle and took a swig…

Did it work? I would say “yes.” As for the secret of it working, I would think it is something like one of those remedies for a headache or something where you smash your finger with a hammer. In other words, the shock of the apple cider vinegar taste laced with garlic makes you forget about the cramp.