Could I get you a pillow?

I have taken on a new job, yes just what I needed. In addition to space work and teaching math, I have committed to being an usher at church for the month of June. After that, I do it for a month of Sundays once per quarter.

What exactly does this consist of? Well, I get to get there early and leave late and help with a number of “usher tasks.” I have decided that I like this, and it’s also a way to serve at the church. It gives me an opportunity to find a little humor. Yes, I think He is ok with that.

The HUF (Head Usher Fellow) is a great guy and he likes the Atlanta Braves. Now that I think about it, maybe he just told me he liked the Braves to rope me into being an usher. Nah, that would be a lie – he wouldn’t do that.

On the first Sunday, they stationed me over on a side entrance. The way I figure it is that they wanted to put me in a place to make sure I didn’t mess anything up or say something stupid. They put me with a dentist; those of you who have read my “Helen Keller” story know how I feel about dentistry. He was a very nice conservative fellow that didn’t say very much. He seemed ripe for a little humor.

As the sanctuary was filling up, a friend and experienced usher came around to check on me. He asked “How’s it going?” I said “Fine, but this older lady looked at me kind of funny when I asked her what her smoking preference was.” He knew me well enough to know I was pulling his leg. He’s had a good time with that one.

This did lead me to think about the fun opportunities I can have with this. Again, please know I’m kidding (kind of). It was Communion Sunday so I could have given some tips like “The left side is Welch’s, the right is NOT.” That would have gotten me in trouble with the HUF for sure. Some of my fondest memories are of getting to drink the leftover Welch’s as a child. We went to a small church in Wedowee, Alabama and they were ok with that. My mama was a Baptist missionary and she was ok with it too.

I also considered the possibility of writing numbers inside the bulletins and noting to people that we would be giving away a door prize at around 2:00 PM. It would be interesting to see how folks would react to the door prize and the 2:00 PM. Remember I am a researcher/math guy; I could make graphs and a PowerPoint presentation. Better yet, I could say please don’t forget to look under your chair/pew - if there’s a purple sticker you have to sing a solo.

I’m just thinking out loud now, but imagine the fun you could have:

• Will you be checking any luggage?
• What’s your meal preference?
• Could I get you a pillow?
• Do you mind if I check your purse? (Holding a little wooden dowel)
• This is not the same woman you were here with last week, was she your daughter?
• Did you get your 3-D glasses?
• Who are y’all for, did you get a shaker?

 

That last question leads me to believe that football season would also be fun. It looks like I will be getting October on the next rotation. We have these wonderful gizmos that are used to help people who have trouble hearing. They look like a portable radio with an earpiece. I am close to needing one myself. Maybe I could put football or NFL stickers on a few of them and tell some of the guys that I’ve arranged to have the Redskins game piped in (people in Virginia like the Redskins). We generally go a little past 12; I think they might fall for it.

It’ll take me a while, but I’ll get the hang of it. I kind of messed up the collection plate logistics on my first time out. I was supposed to start with two plates and end with two; somehow I ended up juggling four. The dentist told me "it happens." I trust him.

I live in Virginia and love going to church. How much? Well, I’m a big Alabama fan and my pastor went to Auburn. You know I have to love it. He is a wonderful pastor and I do truly love my church.

If that baby cries, you know we put a big spotlight on you.

Comments

[JBenefield]

Well, did you have anyone ask for a refund at the end of the service?